I just had the weirdest dentist experience of my life. Way worse than the nine minute dentist experience last time.
I arrived early, of course, and was quickly ushered into the chair after I read a bit about endangered frogs. She started cleaning my teeth and then all of the sudden goes, "Whoa..." I'm thinking, oh man...cavities. Swear to God, it was like in Friends when Ross had that thing on his ass.
"Hey, Rhonda. Come here a sec. You're good with different stuff like this. What do you make of this?"
"Whoa.. Do you smoke or chew at all?"
"Absolutely not." I am panicking. What the hell are they looking at?
"You been sick recently? Wear a retainer? Dentures? (giggles)"
"No, nothing." Okay, seriously. Tell me what you're doing.
"You been on steroids? You suck on anything real hard or sweet lately?" (okay, gross)
"NO."
"Hmm.. I want somebody that makes the big bucks to look at this." She finishes up the cleaning in silence and then retreats to find the dentist. Surprisingly, it was an asian woman (I've never had a non-white or non-male dentist before). She says, "All right, lemme check this out."
She is baffled. The dentist pulls out the book. They start leafing through images of people's mouths, all the while I'm still wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
"So you haven't done anything different the last couple days?"
"Well, I've used orange listerine a couple times in the last week."
"OHHHHH!!! You've got chemical burns all over the roof of your mouth. Stop using that. Nice teeth, very nice teeth. Have a happy New Year."